A Rambling of Such.

I need a change. I'm longing for something that I'm not quite sure that I know what it is. It's a mystery and it's tearing me apart. I can be perfectly content on most days, but then there are these days, days where I realize that this doesn't last forever.

Life is short, and it just seems to be getting shorter as the minutes pass on the clock. I'm a junior in college, and the time has flown by. I have two more years to complete my dream job: to work with children. There have been many ups and downs on this road, and I'm sure there will continue to be. I have been short-changed by my university and I'm counting the days until I can get out of here. I'm tired of working my way to becoming a teacher, and I just want to be there. I want to have my own classroom and to love on the kids I receive as students.

Life's been great, for the most part.
I live with my family (parents, 2 brothers and twin sister) at the home I've lived in since I was 4 or 5 years old. I'm blessed to have a family that I love and get along with (99.9% of the time). But then there are days, weeks, or even months where I long for that independence; that separation from my family. Not that I don't love them or want to be with them, but I need to have my own time. It's a hard feeling to explain. But I want my own place, I want to be able to come and go as I please and not plan it around the entire families schedule. I feel like I am in high school, still -- but I am 20 years old. But if I express my feelings, and that I want this independence, my parents will say, "Fine, but you have to pay for everything, you have to cover your car insurance, your cell phone, your food, your portion on electricity, etc." And you see, I don't have the income to do that. I work at most 18 hours per pay check (for Cardio Kinetics, Inc. I work about 5 more hours a week doing childcare)...not because I don't want the hours, but because I can't manage to work more with classes. I can't just give up on school, when I've come this far.

It's basically win-lose situation. And right now, I'm losing.

And then there comes relationships. My best friend, Matthew, is probably one of the best things that's happened to me in a while. We have our "moments" but he's always there for me. He loves me unconditionally, and he knows everything there is to know about me. Here's the catch, though, he lives 1500 miles away (in Montana). It's hard sometimes, I'm not going to lie. It's excruciating to live day in and day out with the one you love, not there in arms reach. To have to juggle your schedule to try and make time to talk on the phone (which seems to be five minutes or less, nowadays). He's a busy guy, and then I'm busy to some extent, too. I just hope someday we can work it out that we're not this far away from each other...

So, maybe this isn't a need for an adventure. Maybe it's me, just needing to be satisfied with what I have in my life. Maybe I need to start being wiser and saving up to accomplish my goal of leaving the house and getting a place of my own. I don't know. I pray the answers come in time...for now this is a smattering of words strewn across the web.